Sometimes I just want to pass on the mantle to someone else. Organising finances, cooking supper, taking the garbage out, dog walking, tidying up, work, life. It’s quite exhausting, this constant being. Sometimes I feel bored by the daily routine, I feel like I want to smash it to pieces and drive around for months on end in a convertible, staying in hotels, smoking cigarettes, listening to Martha Wainwright and wearing an 80’s cocktail dress. Then there are the times when all I want is routine, to just follow a set pattern, to know what’s coming next without having to think too much about it. Like wearing a uniform, easy, no need to mess about, simple straight lines, no frills, tailored but not starched, the same album playing on repeat.
Both tell me something about my state of mind, the first is about running away and the second, hiding. Though alternatively they can both indicate the same thing; time to make some changes, to push myself out of my comfort zone. It’s all very well sticking to a routine, it brings order, manageability even a hint of respectability. Fantasies of busting out aren’t necessarily an avoidance tactic; though to be fair there’s nothing more fun than a bit of idle daydreaming to bypass reality; they are also about realising dreams and ambitions and about pleasure. Herein lies the crux of it – fun, or lack of. If I remain in my comfort zone I will of course, be comfortable, but where is the growth and the challenge in that? How do I know if something else would work for me just as well, if not better, or be a complete no-no. If I throw everything up in the air and wait for the pieces to land will I lose something of importance, or will I just gain a different perspective on the same thing?
Life is about taking risks, small or large, challenging myself, turning things on their head. It’s also about the status quo, finding security and comfort in things that I know, that way when I throw caution to the wind, there is always something there to ground me
Playing on the car stereo – Martha Wainwright – This Life