Alone With Me

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I’ve found it difficult, this being alone. Sometimes the apartment seems vast, I sit as close to the fire as I can, throwing on logs, watching the flames with the dog curled up beside me. I dress for security, soft jumpers, vintage scarves, too many rings, vibrant eyeshadow.

Other days the loneliness feels tangible, it has a physicality to it. These are the days that are the hardest. Clothes often feel “wrong”, nothing looks as good as it did last time I wore it. I have to take a step back, pause, check my weather app and use that to determine what to wear. It’s about self compassion on days like this. It’s all about the heart practices. Sitting, meditating, repeating to myself;

I know you,

I feel you,

I care about you,

I forgive you,

I appreciate you.

I know this will pass, I know the heart practices help, I know I’ll be OK, but sometimes in that particular moment it doesn’t feel like it. 

Then there’s days like today, when being alone with me is just perfect. It’s not that I don’t need or want anyone else around. It’s just that I’m free, I can look at myself in the mirror and think there’s no one I’d rather be with. It doesn’t matter what I’m wearing as long as I can keep moving at my own pace, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Keep up world or you’re going to get left behind.

Listening to : Stepping Out – Joan Armatrading

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