Recently I found myself in a situation where instead of being aware, I got completely carried away in the moment. It was fun, exhilarating, I felt giddy, but there was a little nagging doubt in the back of my mind. I overlooked a few things that are important to me. I allowed my usual sense of self to be slightly edited, tempered to fit in with something else. I felt like a paving slab that doesn’t sit quite true with the others, ready to cause an accident. I felt myself holding back, waiting for something.
As I waited the scales fell from my eyes. Who was I trying to kid? It was like being bought a garment by someone else that is more their idea of me than my own. Wanting it, needing it to be right, not wanting to cause offence, rather than listening to my own instincts. If I had only taken a moment to observe my feelings, I would know that it was most definitely wrong. I’m much better off when I make my own choices, like the yellow leather coat I bought the other day, quietly loud, fairly impractical, not everyone’s cup of tea, rather like me.
Often it’s hard to trust our instincts for fear of doing the wrong thing, upsetting the status quo. When we are authentic it can be scary, especially if we aren’t used to it. It also allows freedom, gives a greater sense of self. It says “This is who I am – take it or leave it”.